The U.S. has numerous legends and monsters: Bigfoot, the Jackelope, the ninth Supreme Court Justice. Some people laugh at these legends; others live in continual fear of them. But the legend most feared and laughed at is the dreaded Mountain Bro.
The Mountain Bro lurks in the American West. Self-proclaimed “witnesses” describe him as four to seven feet tall, usually in shorts and a plaid shirt with only the two lowest buttons buttoned, while others claim to have seen him without a shirt at all, but almost always in large sunglasses and a backwards ball cap. Hikers often report hearing strange shouts in the woods, apparently the Mountain Bro shouting “siiiiick bro” or threatening to punch a foreign-looking tree. Others report hearing the the sound of Call of Duty being played near campsites. Experts from the History Channel believe the Mountain Bro lives on a diet of vodka made from fermented forest animals.
The Mountain Bro is said to wander into neighborhoods late at night to charge his phone and update his twitter feed. #squirrelvodka. He sometimes leaves behind a trail of sweat and body spray that he naturally secretes. Like most urban legends and former presidential hopefuls, the Mountain Bro attempts to live under the radar, which is undercut by his twitter account and regular forest parties followed by morning hunts for burgers to cure his hangovers. #vodkawithsquirrels.
Skeptics, scientists, professors, and particularly pretentious grad students doubt the existence of the Mountain Bro, but the evidence is overwhelming. For instance, the Mountain Bro has, on multiple occasions, filmed himself doing the cinnamon challenge and posted it to his Instagram account to prove his mountainliness. These videos usually end with the Mountain Bro getting a cinnamon-flavored bloody nose and passing out in the woods. #godblessamerica. Despite these bro tendencies, scientists and enthusiasts alike have somehow failed to acquire a dead Mountain Bro, which is in no way proof that he’s not out there.
Researchers and alarmists from the Discovery Channel, a wellspring of endless knowledge, have concluded that the Mountain Bro is most likely a regular bro, or a member of a growing cult of mostly college-age white males with rich parents. Bros, of course, wander in large herds in and around American universities pillaging bars, burning things down, and trying to prove their brohood by juggling weights and smoking tacos. 1 out of 55 scientists believe the Mountain Bro wandered away from his pack in a counter-cultural revolt against the high standards brohood requires, but because no proof of the Mountain Bro has yet surfaced, research is ongoing, and probably will be for however many seasons NatGeo can get out of Mountain Bro Men: Real Bros Looking for One Rogue Bro. For now, take precautions while going into the woods. Even if the Mountain Bro is resisting brodom, he may still be as dangerous as urban bros. Consider yourself warned.